Friday, October 3, 2008

The Adventurous Indian Woman

Forget Vikings, snowboarders, para-sailors, skydivers, whitewater-rafters and their ilk...a new adventure sports(wo)man is born! Behold- The Adventuress.

Truly all of these sports pale in comparison to the ultimate adventure...the Indian Woman venturing out of the sheltered confines of her home. All extreme sports have this feature in common risk, thrills and danger. However this particular adventure that one is referring to is far above the aforementioned ones, for not only is there the risk of physical disfigurement, there is the added spice of sexual violation and yes, the enthralling, the extreme, the thrilling danger of character assassination post casualties incurred after engaging in this attempt.

However this sport has one failing, only women are allowed to compete, while men are confined to being the environmental variables, the added 'risks' if they may.

Here are the requirements qualifying you to compete-

1. QUALIFICATION- The entrant must possess the necessary anatomical requirements to qualify as a member of the female sex

2. GEAR- Any clothing that reveals any part of said anatomy, namely: fingers, neck, hands, feet, face, cleavage, hair or any part that displays the above mentioned qualifications

3. CONDITION-The entrant must venture at least 500m from their own doorstep(so as to distinguish this from its sister-sport: Molestation-By-Thy-Neighbor/Jilted-Lover/Assorted-Lecherous-Relative)

4. REQUIRED- A spirit of adventure sufficient for moral pundits, police et all to remark upon it, eg. driving(OMG!!!), using public transport(gasp!!!) or walking the streets of Sodom(er Delhi if you please!) added risk if alone(horror of horrors!)

The entrant will face the following 6 dangers-

They will henceforth be referred to as form 1, 2 etc
- Stares: This may be directed singly or as the precursor of the next.
- Lewd Glances: This too may be directed individually or as the forerunner to the next.
- Lecherous Comments: -ditto-
- Brushing against: -ditto-
- Poking/Pinching: This form is generally found in public transports or in any place where the Great Unwashed mingle in numbers of Hordes or more thereby justifying physical contact.
- Assault: This form is generally believed to be one of the (comparatively) rarer ones, generally occurring in secluded areas.

The following character types will be commonly encountered-

- The Roadside Romeo: Oily hair, faded or worse excessively gaudy clothes, glint of virile lust in eyes. Generally indulges in the first 3 forms mentioned above

- The Horny Uncleji: Pseudo-Distinguished appearance, well dressed, has a fatherly look in his eyes when he too indulges in forms 4 and 5, will have half-apologetic, half-blinded-by-lust-and-midlife-crisis look in eyes when he does so.

- The Crowd: Spectators enjoying the performance. Rarely indulge in anything more than forms 1 and 2

- The 'Friendly' neighborhood policeman: A lifetime of upholding the law and the arduous task of raising an eight-piece family on a meager salary and generous 'commissions' has made him 'hungry'. Beware he can indulge in forms 1 to 6 and actually get away scot-free.

- The Psychotic Rapist: One of the rarer animals, however cause for caution lies chiefly in the fact that any one of goon 1 to 4 can metamorphose into this. Generally indulges in form 6 in the specified environment, different from goons 1 to 4 in the respect that his act is motivated less by desire and more by extreme chauvinism or Chazism(excuse the horrible attempt at humour!)

- The Character Assassin: Truly the cause and effect of this noble adventure sport. Ranges from all walks of life, politician, fundamentalist, housewife, indignant patriarch or conservative lawyers looking for publicity. Closely associated with the Unofficial Indian Voluntary Lawkeeping Squad or more commonly known as the Moral Police.

Here is all the information you'll ever need to compete in this extreme sport,

For'ard in spirit of glorious adventure,
For'ard bearing the Torch of Thrill,
Salutes to the Indian Woman in this venture
May this verse bear testimony to the Indian Will....
...Or epitaph to it's Ancient Sprit Burining in a few embers still


Anonymous said...

its very, very -Sayan-

- J.

Sayan said...

Thanks! Thats the greatest compliment you can pay a narcissist

Anandi said...

Was this in response to Sheila Dixit's statement about the journo who was raped?